Thick Skin & Soft Heart: Tensions of Leadership
Welcome to the first installment of our leadership blogs! I’m Josh Critzer, a director here at Watermarks. A little bit about myself, I’ve been at Watermarks since the beginning of camps dream and creation in 2004 and have been in every role from the bottom to top since then. Now serving as the director, I have seen many avenues of leadership and grown into my own over the years. Of course, we do not know everything about leadership, we are not experts by any means and are always still growing and developing our gifts. Our heart for this collection of blogs is to increase your longevity and effectiveness as a leader, and share a little of what we’ve learned along the way!
Let’s dive into the first tension we can experience in leadership!
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” - Colossians 3:12 (NIV)
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” - Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Looking at the verses as a leader, it presents clashing mindsets if followed without context. One is clearly focused on others, or rather open handed unlimited supply of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Then the other side is self-focused, guard yourself at all costs, or rather closed handed, protective over a valuable thing, your heart.
It’s confusing when I think, what’s the balance? I’ve seen leaders go both ways. Some are unapproachable, because they don’t want to deal with real issues for the sake of protecting the vision or their well being, and others give until there’s nothing left and get replaced.
There is immense danger of not managing this tension and just having a one sided approach. Here are some characteristics I see that could play out.
SOFT HEART
While having a soft heart is a good thing, by all means, we have to realize we have limits. Sometimes we can take helping people to an extreme where we no longer care for our soul and ourselves and end up being a person that needs that same help in the end. We try to fix everyone, when we end up taking God’s job and not trusting or letting Him do the work that only He can do.
Read a little bit about compassion fatigue. This is where having only a soft heart can lead.
"Compassion Fatigue is a state experienced by those helping people or animals in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it can create a secondary traumatic stress for the helper." - Dr. Charles Figley
"Caring too much can hurt. When caregivers (i.e. leaders, pastors, mentors) focus on others without practicing self-care, destructive behaviors can surface. Apathy, isolation, bottled up emotions and substance abuse head a long list of symptoms associated with the secondary traumatic stress disorder now labeled: Compassion Fatigue”
HARD HEART
Going to the other extreme of having a soft heart, people harden their heart. They distance themselves from God, from others and from their own feelings.
"How blessed is the man who fears always, But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity.” - Proverbs 28:14 (NIV)
I know that God called us to care for others and ourselves. If he believed that, He would have never sent his son to die for our sins. I know because God cares, we should care deeply for reaching people, and helping those in need. We need community, we need others and we need to care for others by the example Jesus showed us throughout his entire life on Earth.
A hardened heart in the end can look lonely, not fruitful, and empty.
THIN SKIN
Being a leader, there are some things that are unavoidable. Tough conversations, conflict, feedback, accusations, unmet expectations, and criticism are all things we’ve experienced. These external factors pushed to the extreme can significantly cripple us as a leader or cripple your team and how they view you.
Having thin skin means we are one conversation away from being wrecked by someone’s complaint. We are at the mercy of being on the edge of our seat constantly waiting for something negative. We become cynical of everyone that they’re out to get us. We react out of emotion or defense when criticism comes. It’s a personal attack. We can even be at the mercy of becoming something that we’re not because we allow other’s opinion’s to shape our vision, our belief or shake us to the core. Our days, our emotions, our families can be shaped by other’s opinions and actions which is a really dangerous place to live in. Thin skin makes us much more reactionary in our leadership than visionary.
THICK SKIN
A thick-skinned leader is usually thought of as a great trait to have, but taken to the extreme it can be just as unhealthy as the rest. Too thick of skin can lead to stream rolling people’s emotions. It’s the utter dismissal to feedback, criticism, or alternate opinions compared to your vision or opinion. When you think you’re right all the time, this is a dangerous place to be. A visionary leader that cannot listen or have feedback has a one-way ticket into destruction of what he’s leading and taking everyone with them. No criticism or feedback can enter, no one can help you.
WHAT’S THE BALANCE?
Obviously, by the title of this post, you can see where I’m going with this. As a leader you can’t just pick one extreme and go with it, but rather you have to manage the tension. Having a soft heart is needed, but having a thick skin to guard it is also needed. Your soft heart will keep you and your influence growing, but your thick skin will keep you going for the long haul. Both working together at the same time to create the perfect harmony of having an approachable, teachable, compassionate, and helpful leader that can handle feedback, criticism, accusation or alternate ideas without instantly dismissing or letting it wreck their day and leadership. It sounds simple, but applying this consistently is the hard part. As fatigue sets in or as we go through hard seasons, it’s easy to revert back to our instinctual way of doing things. As a leader, the people and things we’re leading depend on our consistent thick skin and soft heart.
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” – Frank A. Clark
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.” – Abraham Lincoln
I look at the life of Paul and can’t help but see the example he set for us. He was accused, imprisoned, beaten and mocked for helping bring the Gospel to people. His vision and heart didn’t change based on the external circumstances he found himself in. His thick skin protected his soft heart for people and seeing the best in them and enabled him to have longevity in his ministry. He could have easily thrown in the towel when accusation and opposition came, or turned hardhearted. He could have easily been wrecked by criticism and it could have crippled him into not moving forward in his mission.
Today I pray that we continue to manage this tension in our leadership. Any bit of influence you have is leadership. Whether that is over yourself, your family, your friends, your community, your business or your church, how you lead and respond directly impacts many more than you think.
SIMPLE TAKEAWAY Care, but don’t Carry.
Keep that soft heart, keep caring for those around you, but don’t bear that weight on your shoulders. Jesus came to carry the load. He can handle it. Don’t let criticism or altering opinions shape how your day goes, how you view yourself and how you respond to others.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
How do you have compassion for others without carrying the weight on your shoulders?
Am I leading with a wounded/unguarded heart?
Is compassion fatigue a thing you’ve experienced or seen others go through? How did it affect you or that person?
Do you know a leader that doesn’t handle criticism or feedback too well? What does that do to the people they lead?
How do you get to a place so you can properly care for others without getting offended, irritated and burned out?
How can I get a softer heart? How can I get thick enough skin to protect it?