An Acquired Taste

Have you ever had to eat something you didn’t like? Maybe it was green and smelled healthy or it may have had a texture you really weren’t a fan of. I grew up a picky eater so having to swallow things I didn’t like isn’t an unfamiliar feeling. Even now as I write this I am trying to drink a protein shake that my taste buds aren’t exactly loving.

Have you ever had something that left a bitter taste in your mouth? Maybe the first couple bites could have used some ketchup or other sauce to help “enhance” the flavor. Maybe it’s an acquired taste?

I’ve found in my life that I view conflict the same way I view food that I don’t like. I’ll be polite enough but if I can help it, I’m going to avoid it as much as possible. No matter how hard we try, conflict is unavoidable. So long as we are human we will have conflicts and misunderstandings. Now I am by no means an expert in conflict or conflict resolution. In fact, I like to joke that I am allergic to conflict. Enneagram type nine anyone? No? just me? Okay.

Conflict can be defined as “a fight, battle, or struggle, especially a prolonged struggle; strife. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas.” As you can see, the word conflict can be used to mean many things. Its important to note that I am talking mainly about relational conflict and not an actually fist to face kind of conflict.

The hardest thing I’ve found about conflict is the connotation is has surrounding it. I don’t know about you but I’ve experienced my fair share of messy, mishandled conflicts not just by me but also by other people. Sometimes the anticipation of the conflict is worse than the actual conflict itself.

If you’re like me and squirm at even the thought of conflict you are very rarely the person who initiates it. However like finely aged cheese, acquiring the taste for healthy conflict can add to your life not take away from it. Take for example the way a person builds muscle. In order to allow that muscle to grow you have to fist use the muscle which then causes small micro-tears in the muscle. From those tears, the muscle has room to grow and build on new muscle.

Conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just like working out isn’t a bad thing, sometimes it just leaves you a little sore. The process of developing muscle can be uncomfortable and it usually involves some kind of life change. When people start to diet or work out they tell you to get into the mindset of life change instead of a quick fix. Building your healthy conflict muscle requires time and repetitions. Learning to navigate the waters of conflict will serve you your whole life.

Most of the time conflict can range from a simple misunderstanding to something that stems from deep hurt and unresolved feelings. Sometimes conflict comes purely from the fact that people are different and we work and handle things differently. Some times personalities just clash. However, that doesn’t mean we can hide behind our differences. Some people will rub us wrong or they will constantly pick fights. Some people honestly love the drama of conflict. Growing your conflict muscle gives you an insight to learn when to stand your ground, when to back down or when to simply walk away.

When approaching conflict it’s important to remember that the way we react and behave says more about us and our faith then any words we might say. The way we handle things reflects our character as a person and our witness as Christians. When we are confronted with conflict we have to remember to love first and resolve the conflict second.

Healthy conflict is all about the heart behind it. When we rush into things with a spiteful attitude or with the wrong intentions, we can do more harm then good. A good practice before, during and after conflict is to always be evaluating your motives. Why are we having this conversation? Am I trying to help them or hurt them? Are we working towards a solution or are we trying to prove who’s right? Am I thinking of my needs or theirs? Am I actually listening to what they are saying or am I just trying to defend myself? Am I trying to resolve the conflict or escalate it? Am I in a good mental state to talk about this?

Sometimes you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself, or someone else.

Now I know what your thinking, “Hannah, that sounds a lot easier then it actually is.” You’re not wrong, conflict is hard and trying to approach it from a loving angle is even harder, especially when you’ve been deeply hurt or ambushed on the scene. Nothing about conflict is easy or pretty, however I want to encourage you to not shy away from it. I used to be a chronic avoider of conflict, as I’ve stated before I’ve joked about being allergic to conflict. I was the shy, quiet kid who never wanted to make any waves, ever. It was only through growing my conflict muscle and embracing that conflict is unavoidable that I’ve come to peace with conflict. I’ve grown a lot as a person though different conflicts and conversations. They were defining moments for me on the kind of person I wanted to be. How I choose to handle those conflicts built me into the person I am today. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am not perfect and the way I handle things aren’t prefect. I am still human and I do succumb to human reactions and feelings. I still fall into old habits and hide from the conflict instead of addressing it. I am still learning and growing in my conflict muscles. I know I won’t ever be perfect, especially when it comes to conflict. But I am still going to strive to be better and love people despite my flaws.

Conflict doesn’t always have to be negative or have the same spooky factor as the boogie man. Romans 3:23-24(NIV) says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” We have to give ourselves and other people grace even when we fall flat, even when the conversations didn’t go the way we had hoped and even when we don’t come to a good conclusion. Conflict is all about the grace given even when you and I don’t deserve it.

Acquiring the taste for healthy conflict is hard but its not for nothing. When we love enough to speak hard truths or forgive when they don’t deserve it, we are being the hand and feet of Jesus.

James 3:17-18 (CSB) “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without pretense. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace.”